Utter Sarcasm

It’s true that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But nowadays, book publishers are smart enough to avoid printing books with shitty covers. And as such, I feel perfectly justified judging someone’s MySpace profile within two seconds, using a few handy tips I’ve devised. Here are the red flags that’ll send me to the back button:

• Sparkly Pink. Everywhere.
• A picture of you with your boyfriend/other guy friend.
• The phrase “Proud Parent” next to the Children? detail. Especially if you’re 19.
• Your astrological sign. In sparkly pink cursive. And a description about why Aquarius is so “it.”
• The phrase “click here to see my webcam.”
• The use of ێbarely recognized characters and squiggles in your display name. Yes, you just discovered Character Map. No, you don’t have to show off. No, you’re not impressing us.
• Low contrast color schemes. There’s a reason your newspaper isn’t printed with white ink. Look into that, would you?
• Animated GIFs. Seriously.
• Tiled backgrounds of your favorite boy band. With a matching music video.
• Misrepresentation of your age. No one wants you 14 year olds on here. Go back to Xanga, kthx.
• The word “clubbin’.”

That is all.

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